Forgive Us Our Trespasses by CJ Johnson

11/02/2025

Transcription:

Good morning. As you can probably see, I'm not Patrick Jolly. But in his absence, I usually get tagged to try to give you my point of view. on my connection with my higher power. And today I have been giving that thought to myself and to my higher power, asking me to be as clear and as precise as I can be. And to put my nervousness in my body.  

When Patrick first asked me to give this talk, like always, I looked for many things to talk about. I even sometimes looked at my holy book and to see about certain topics there. And quite often it comes down to one thing. I put it aside. I am part of a group of people who get together with veterans sometime in Reno, and we talk to these older veterans about certain things that they need to help clear their heads and their minds. It's quite often so many of them go into a deep, deep, dark place and the medical people cannot get them out.

So last Friday, I was asked that this guy was an old Vietnam veteran who was in trouble mentally. Physically, they said he was good, but mentally, they indicate that he was in a very dark place. So I was asked with a group of some other guys, five of us together, to sit and talk to some veterans.

And when I began to talk with him, he looked at me and said, what do you know about my feelings? Were you there? I said, yes, I was. He says, prove it to me. I began to relate a few things that I had shared while at a base called Da Nang Air Force Base. The nickname for that place was Rocket City, and you had a lot of crazy going-ons there. He looked at me and says, brother, I believe you truly was there.

I said, what is your problems? He said, I saw some things so dark and dreary that it has bothered me throughout my journey. He says, I feel ashamed. He says, I keep asking my higher power to forgive me, but I believe my higher power is ashamed of me. He says, I have tried every drug I can put in my body. He says, I have tried all the alcohol I can consume. He says, and yet, somehow, my God refuses to take me away and take me out of my misery.

I looked at this poor man and I says, may I share something with you? He says, what? I said, I am going to share with you something that I've only shared with a few people in my life. I said, I was also in Vietnam. And I said, I saw some of the good things that happened to a lot of good people, the good things that military people can do. And I saw a few bad things.

He says, well, tell me about something good. And I said, do you remember when Bob Hope came and brought all the different people there and we had lots of laughter and fun? He says, yes, but it didn't bring me any fun at all. He said, what about you? And it dawned on me of something that happened to me that I'm going to share with you.

One night, after going to one of the clubs there, when we pulled out of duty, we would go to this club, and there was a lot of flowing of alcohol. And so I had a few drinks, and I had a roommate. His name was Bob White. And Bob and I were very close. That night, Bob kept drinking and drinking, and he disappeared for a while. I didn't give it any thought, and he came back. He was in a different stage. And I assume later on that I believe he had something other than alcohol in his system.

We were bunking out in our workplace, quite away from some of the places there, but it was a secure place. We had security right outside our door. And on the way back, we walked and talked about what we had seen at the floor show. And so we went into our little cove where we slept at, and I told Bob that I would be back in a minute. So I went into the main shop and used the restroom there. And when I came back, when I walked to the door, Bob was sitting on his bunk, but he had his weapon pointed right at me. And he was in a stage where he told me, he said, he was calling me, ugly racial names that we Americans were using for the Asian people there. I won't repeat those. But he thought that I was the Viet Kong, and he was going to kill me.

And I tried to talk to him. This started about 2 o'clock in the morning, and it lasted until almost 6 o'clock. All night long, I was sitting, he allowed me to sit down on my bunk. And he kept telling me how he was going to shoot me. And the fear was in me throughout all that time. And I was thinking to myself, what can I do? Now, my weapon was within reach of my hand. And I kept thinking, if I can reach my weapon, then I can defend myself and I can take him out.

He finally fell asleep close to 6 o'clock that morning. I was so drenched in sweat. I was shaking. I picked up my weapon and I pointed it at his chest about two feet away. And something inside of me would not let me pull the trigger.

I put the weapon down and I went outside. It was raining. I got down on my knees. and I looked to the sky and I asked God to forgive me. And the title of my talk today is Forgive Us Our Trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And that stuck with me. And I felt that I was a coward because I could not take him out.

Later that morning, people were looking at me in a strange way. I didn't realize that something was going on. My boss called me into his office and I told him what had happened. He says, it's okay. Share up. Let's go have a drink. You'll get over it. I could not do that. I kept it inside and I was angry at me. I was calling myself a coward. I could not do what I was supposed to do, I thought to myself.

I told my boss that I'm the second in charge. Let's put Bob into a different place, a different place outside of here. So we transferred Bob to a small outpost. About two or three months later, I was asked to go on a mission. And I went on this mission with this young pilot. We were flying at night in an observation airplane. We were in enemy territory, over high up, and it was a beautiful, clear night. I could see the stars, and the pilot was singing the song. It was enjoyable. We were laughing.

And all at once, we felt the airplane begin to shake in a crazy way. We knew we had been hit. He brought it down to a rice paddy. A rice paddy is a place where it's a farm field that has about a foot of water to keep the rice plants growing. He was able to put that airplane down very smoothly. He was very good at it. And when we got outside the airplane, he said, Sergeant, You're the survival instructor. Lead the way.

It was so dark, we couldn't look at our compass. But I was always attached to knowing the stars. So I looked for Ursa Major and Ursa Minor and the different stars that I could use. And in my head, I knew where we had to go. As I walked through the water with my partner that night, I kept saying to myself, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Then I looked at myself, and I could see myself like in a mirror. And there was something telling me which way to go and how to go. And yea, though I walk through the valley and the shadows of death, the words, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod, thy staff, they comfort me. And I knew I repeated those words for as long as we walked that night.

We got to a place where we were near the hills and away from where we went down. And we got on the radio and we called for help. Early that morning, the helicopter came and picked us up.

When we got back to the base, we were interviewed by our powers to be the big shots fair. And they said, what did you see? And I told them I saw nothing all night long. They said, that was impossible because you were in the midst of enemy territory. How could it be that you didn't see anything? And they thought that we were kind of nuts because the pilot said the same thing. We saw nothing.

I began to feel a little bit left out, so they sent me to Tokyo to a hospital there, and they checked myself and the pilot out. They said that we were given a clean sheet saying our mind and our bodies were in pretty good shape. Go back to work. Which we did.

About a month later, the man called Bob Whie, who I refused to shoot, was on an airplane. And he was on that airplane because I was supposed to take that flight that morning. And that night I had a few drinks. And the next morning I was not in a position to take that flight. So they put Bob White on that flight. When that flight landed at a small place, the enemy had taken over. And as they landed, they were taken captured and taken to North Vietnam, where they made history because they were in the prisons and they became prisoners that were released some years later.

Because I did not take my flight and they put Bob on it, I carried that guilt with me for a long time, a couple of years. It was two or three years later, about 1974, when they released those guys from North Vietnam. I was there at Travis Air Force Base in Fairfield, California. And I saw these men being released from the airplane. I stood back in the crow and watched. I saw this guy walking down the steps and my eyes told me that was Bob White. He looked terrible. I felt guilt. I didn't know what to do with myself. And I thought back on to the fact that what can I do?

Later on, I was working here in Carson City, and every time something that didn't go right, I had a place that I called my own. When I would drive from Carson City, there's a place just outside Genoa here, a driveway, that I would stop. And I would look toward the mountains here to the west. And when I saw the sun shining on the mountains over here, the cattle in the field grazing, and I felt that I was in God's garden. This was a place where I began to feel my contact with God.

You see, I grew up in a Baptist church in a small southern town, and there I heard people talk about fearing God. God is going to punish you. And so as a young man, I did not have a close connection, I believe, with my power we call God. Yet, when I walked through the waters in Vietnam, it came to me that God was there watching out for me, that God was with me throughout my journey. But I did not recognize and knew that God was with me.

Some years later, in this particular area here, it came to me that I needed to get in touch with the church. Now I walked around different places and I would go to a different church here and there, but I did not feel wanted. I did not feel that I belonged there. So it took me quite some time.

I was talking to a man in Gardnerville's shop down here. And he says, CJ, he said, you're talking about looking for a church. He says, why don't you try the little church in Genoa? I said, okay. So one Sunday, I got prepared. I told my wife that I'm going to church. She gave me kind of a strange look. But I came to this little church. I sat in the back view there. I didn't know anyone here, and no one looked like me here in the little church. And as they began to sing, the words and the song they sang was, “Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place.”

Now, this building is made of sticks, stones, and mortar. But yet there was a feeling in here of love, a feeling of acceptance, a feeling of saying, you are welcome. And at the end of the service, people came to me and took my hand and gave me a hug and said, welcome, brother. And there was a man here. There was two men here in this church, and both of their names were Bill. They came to me, and they hugged me and said, you are now one of us.

My heart went out to the individuals. I felt the presence of God in this room. I looked around. Now the windows have changed, and a few other things have changed. But I knew that this would be my church. I asked myself, why is it do I feel this way? You feel the touch of love. probably in this manner, the first time since you had been an adult.

A lot of the things that had been bugging me, the weight that I was tearing from the things I had done in Vietnam, doing my tour, and I felt like a coward because I could not shoot Bob, and many things of this type. And in this particular room here, I felt the presence of the Lord. Not from the building, but it was from the people in this room. There was love here. And I knew then that I had found my niche. I found my place. And surely the presence of the Lord is with us.

And I ask God to forgive me. and I felt I had been forgiven. And where I had put God on the shelf, I believed in my mind, in my heart, I knew that God was with me. God was my pilot. God was telling me what to do. And ever since that day, when I drive through this little valley here, and I know I drive my wife crazy sometimes, saying every time we come down, around Indian Hill there. I said, Honey, look at the mountains over there. And this morning, I saw snow-capped mountains. I saw cattle in the field. I saw the sun shining on it. And this beautiful place here. And I know that I was in God's garden.  And I felt His presence.

When I walked in here this morning, I saw people asking me, How are you doing, CJ? I said, These old knees are kicking my **** but I'm all right. And I thank you so much for allowing me to share these things. Over the years, the weight that I carried has been lifted. I feel good. I feel that God is with us, and I feel very blessed. And I thank you for sharing the love with me that you have. Thank you for allowing ee to share with you today.